Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen:
Thanks for the Feedback
Tension in feedback
‘Receiving feedback sits at the intersection of these two needs – our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance.’
Page 8
What you need to do when giving feedback
Be specific
‘here’s what I noticed’ and ‘here’s what you need to do’
Page 53
What you need to do when receiving feedback
Clarify advice
‘On the receiving end we have to help the giver be clearer’
Page 58
Difference Spot
‘Difference spotting – understanding as specifically as you can exactly why you and they see things differently- is a crucial lens through which to take in feedback. You begin to better understand where the feedback is coming from, what the advice is, how to implement, and why you and the feedback giver see certain things differently.’
Page 67
The importance of reflecting and knowing your own temperament and feelings
Temperament
Sustain and Recovery
Page 158
Feelings impacting feedback
Google bias
‘Suddenly what comes to mind is all the damning evidence of past failures, earlier poor choices and bygone bad behaviour.’
Page 161
Flooding
‘If you’re in the grip of strong emotion, negative feedback floods across boundaries into other areas of your self-image.’
Page 163
Forever Bias
‘when we feel bad, we assume we will always feel bad’
Snowballing
‘catastrophic thinking,,,stories can eventually snowball out of control’
Page 163
Know your pattern
Page 167
Make sure you don’t shadowbox with past
Page 171
Contain the story – time, specificity, people
Page 172
What we need to learn from feedback – Growth Mindset
Growth mindset
Fixed – every situation is a referendum on whether you have the smarts or ability that you think (or hope) you have. When things get hard ‘discouraged, impatient, embarassed’.
Growth – you don’t have ability or not. You assume they can be developed and a challenge will aid improvement.
‘It’s as if the growth-mindset kids were doing the puzzles in a room called the ‘Learning Room’ and the fixed mindset kids were doing it in a room called the ‘Testing Room’. Which room would you rather be in?’
Page 192
People do better when they apply themselves, and people apply themselves when they believe they can get better.’
Page 193
Good questions to use to clarify roles and know each of us better
Coach/Coachee Questions
Page 277